Changes.

Thinking about this summer has left me wishing that it would never end. I know I have to go back to the real world, but I'm honestly scared shitless. The past three nights I've laid awake, listening to Scott snoring thinking about the next 2 years of my life. Graduate school, something that I can't say I've always wanted, but something I've been wanting ever since I realized what I wanted to do. I'm a little bummed that I'm not venturing into a PhD program, just to stick it out for the next 5-7 years, but I'm also nervous and worried about all the 'what ifs'. I have all these questions about master's theses, being the best student that I can be, teaching next semester, where the parking structure is, what textbooks do I need, do I have a real chance of continuing and going on to the PhD program, can I have a life outside of this program, can I get married during this program, can I start a family in this program, do I have what it takes? I mean I just don't know what I'm getting into, and I hope I have what it takes. All of this has me overwhelmed and thinking about my personal statement, something that I hated because it was so limiting, all of these rules about what you should and shouldn't say, that always had me questioning, "Isn't this about me? Shouldn't this be an honest depiction of what I want and why graduate school is a part of that?" So last night, in my sleep, I wrote a new personal statement, one that I wanted to write here for all to read, to know what's really inside of my heart and head... Here goes nothing...

Thinking about writing a personal statement, I had a list of no-nos inside of my head. Don't say you want to practice, don't say you want to help people, make it interesting, but don't give too much away, this all makes me want to call a big BS on the entire thing. If you, Mr or Mrs. admissions advisor at clinical psychology program, want a script, I could give you that, but I won't. Why? Because I like to think I am an individual, and all these no-nos are exactly what I wish to write about, so maybe I'm a rebel, or I'm just asking to be rejected, but I think that I'm honest. Graduate school is scary, I'm afraid of it and if I could avoid the entire thing, I just might, but I need it for my future. Sure I could work somewhere and have a different life, but I wouldn't be truly happy with it because I have goals and dreams for my future that are in reach, not like those dreams of being a pop star or famous athlete, these ones are really here and I am able to achieve them. My dream is to be a psychologist and not only that, but to eventually have a private practice. You see, when I was in college, I went through some turmoil wondering what I wanted to do with my life. I started college as a musical theater major thinking life would be a ball if I could perform on the stage and be famous and rich, but then the real world set in along with a sense of purpose and I decided to try something else. I was set on being a lawyer and thought that a psychology major would fit that well because I could really get into the head of others, then I realized I wasn't cut out for Torts. Next, I thought, 'Hmmm, well I like psychology, why not psychiatry', with some research, I quickly shut that one down, I have other life goals beside spending the next 12 years in school. Finally, I researched what I could do with a psychology degree, and it turns out, basically all roads lead to more education. I decided to do some extracurriculars, tried working with underprivaledged kids, realized I didn't enjoy it, but I did find my niche in trauma patients in the form of rape victims, and then working on a suicide hotline, I got a taste for the helping people part. The phone is so limiting and I want to be someone to help others help themselves. I want to provide therapy to those people who really need it and to make them realize that they are worth my time. I think my biggest goal, something that won't happen right out of graduate school is to have a thriving private practice. Not only that, but to have a weekly pro-bono day of treatment. This is because I've talked to those people who really need help, and can't get it because they are limited by finances, and they have no where to turn. I want to be that person that helps the single mother of 3, who could never go to therapy because she has chooses feeding her children every day over helping herself, or the man who's been rejected by the VA because they won't recognize his PTSD. I want to help those people.  Sure, I could easily go work for some non-for-profit, but I've seen the jaded therapists there because they've been underappreciated, and I don't want that for me. Now I know, I should have told you about how much I love research and how that is where my future lies, but it isn't, and it wouldn't be true. I do enjoy research, a good data set can make me salivate, and it is a extraordinary feeling to have significant results or to have a horde of people surrounding you presentation at a conference, but it is not my passion. I enjoy it, I'm good at it and I know it will be a part of my graduate experience, but not when I get into the workforce. I'm not going to lie to you, or write about something that isn't true, but if you get to know me, you'll see that passion I have shine through. I like to think and hope that this personal statement goes to the top of the list because its unique, honest, and brave. Maybe it will and maybe it won't, but at the very least, I've told my story. Not the cookie-cutter story I've been told to write. Mine.


There you have it.

Thanks for reading.

~Amanda