I promise promise promise, I'm going to get back into the swing of things, but for now, I'm going to post the first chapter of a book I started writing back during the summer! It's a relationship book of sorts and I hope you all like it!
One:
The Cheater
First of all, let’s take a bit to
discuss what is meant by ‘the cheater’ this is someone who behaves in a manner
that you would be emotionally damaged by with another person. Cheating is an
umbrella term for most, not simply limited to sex. Ask a man and a woman what
cheating is though, and you will yield two different answers. I have always
liked to think of cheating as doing anything I would not be ok with my man
doing to me. Yes, that includes sex, but it also includes grinding at a bar, or
excessive flirting. These are different for different couples, but in most
cases, mutual respect for one’s boundaries is the way to go. Ask yourself these
questions…
a.
If my significant other has sex with someone
else, is this cheating?
·
What if they were intoxicated?
·
What if they confessed?
·
What if it was an accident?
b.
If my significant other is having a relationship
with another person, no sex, but the subject matter of the conversation and
other aspects of the relationship are more than friendly, is this cheating?
·
What if they are just texting?
·
What if they have been friends long before I
came around?
These are only a few questionable
actions, but you get the idea. Let’s talk about these things individually.
Sex with someone else
By most people’s
accounts, including mine, this is definitely cheating, and calls into question
the validity of the cheater’s feelings for you. Think about this, can you
imagine having sex with someone else? If you answered yes, you might not care
for this person and whatever happens is fair game, but you certainly aren’t
setting yourself up for a long-lasting and happy relationship. If you said no,
good for you, but doesn’t being cheated on just suck? If you have been cheated
on, then you know what it is like, and you can certainly admit to the betrayal
and emotional damage it did, and in any future relationships, trust will be an
issue. That being said, how you handle the cheating act and the cheater can
change how you will fair in the long run, but we’ll discuss that later.
If they
tell you, were intoxicated or accidentally did it, well what does this change?
If they tell you, sure they might feel guilt, but does this mean that they
won’t do it again, hard to tell? If they are intoxicated, then what does that
say for their character and personality that being drunk is an excuse for
cheating? Being with a person who has alcohol or drug problems creates a whole
other slew of problems, and can be detrimental to your own mental, physical,
and emotional health. Finally, the accident excuse, all the explanation this
takes is how does one accidentally have sex with another person? These things
do not happen accidentally, the guilt may just take over, and this is where
this excuse comes from.
So if they
sleep with someone else this is cheating, unless you’ve started an ‘open
relationship’, but be sure that you are completely ok with what this means, if
you are going to agree to this or suggest it, make sure it is what you want,
and that you will feel no remorse or jealousy at the thought of your
significant other in bed with another person. What would you, or have you done
in this instance that he/she is cheating in this way?
The Relationship
This is
where some personal truth comes into play, I can admit to once being the ‘other
woman’ in a situation like this. I will say now that I am not proud of what I
did, but something that started out as friendship blossomed into something
inappropriate and people got hurt in the process.
I had starting talking to this guy
while I was in college and we had pursued each other, but for some reason,
something was holding me back, and I thought being friends would be better for
the both of us, this alone should have eased my mind, but due to friendly
influence from friends, I felt like maybe I had made a mistake. I still liked
him, but he quickly moved on and started dating another girl. I cut ties with
him after that, but when he sent me a message a couple of months later, I
quickly decided to see what he was up to. It started friendly, with just
texting and talking about our lives, he’d ask for relationship advice even, or
talk about their fights. Over time, we became really close, and I could sense a
pull from the both of us, taking the casual texting to something more serious.
He began texting daily, and constantly through the day, and even though I knew
it was wrong, I texted back, just hoping that we could be together. He’d call
me every night and we’d talk for a good twenty minutes, and I never understood
how his girlfriend didn’t know. I began to realize that he was using me as an
emotional aspect of his highly sexual relationship, and I began to back off, I
wanted a relationship with him, but he hadn’t made any moves to end things with
her, and I felt bad about what I was doing.
One day, I texted him and told him
that we could be friends, but nothing more while he was in a relationship,
needless to say, the boundaries weren’t well laid out, and it did not work. My
friends knew what was going on, and although one cautioned me, no one smacked
me upside the head, and told me that I was not being smart. I was so caught up
in myself I did lose sight in the girl who loved him for over a year at this
point. Finally, one day our secret was out, she read a text from him that said
he wanted to be with me and she ended things with him. I felt like a horrible
person, and one of my nosy friends talked to her and tried to tell me she
harbored no ill feelings toward me but I will never believe that. Less than a
week later, he called me and said that they were going to get back together,
but he couldn’t talk to me, those were the stipulations of them getting back
together, so he ended things, and I didn’t talk to him for about a year. I
completely cut him out of my life, deleted pictures and any messages. This was
my way of coping and moving on (we will be discussing this later).
Ten months passed and I had made no
moves to contact him, but then one of our mutual friends informed me that he
broke up with his girlfriend, the same one we had wronged, and that he wanted
to talk to me. I told our friend that he could do what he wanted. We started
talking, and things were a little different, there was still this pull between
us, but he was emotional from the break-up. When I went home from college we
went on two dates, two days in a row, and on our second date, he actually
stepped outside for ten minutes to take a call from her. Looking back on
everything, I am certain he used me to make her jealous because right after our
second date, they got back together. I was upset, but honestly it’s probably
the best thing that ever happened to me because two months later, I met the
only man I ever have and ever will love. Interestingly enough, on my one year
anniversary, they broke up again because he cheated again, and he friend
requested me on Facebook, needless to say, I declined.
This story is certainly not one of
my best and brightest moments, but I’ve learned from it, and I allowed it to
shape some of the ways I view relationships, as well as how I help others with
their relationships. In this case, if someone did this to me, I couldn’t
forgive them, and I would certainly consider it cheating. I may not be the
conventional method of cheating, but that doesn’t change the hurt it causes,
and that is what I think constitutes cheating. In the case that this is a good
friend, or they have only been texting, it doesn’t matter. If someone is having
another relationship, then why drag you into this and cause all this pain.
I was cheated on…
What now?
Ok, so
someone you loved and cared about cheated on you, what should you do? No two
situations are the same, but you must decide how you are going to handle this
and how it will affect you. I have always said that if I was ever cheated on I
would end things, no doubts and no questions, you might agree, or you might
feel differently about this. Obviously if you have set feelings on what you
would do, then look no further than to yourself, it is to the people who
question what they should do that I am targeting for this part of the chapter.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself, whether you are in a relationship or
not. (Fill in the blanks, so you have something concrete to look at)
1.
What do you consider cheating?
2.
Should all of the above offenses result in the
same response? Or do some have more consequences than others?
3.
What are those responses? What would you do if
you were faced with these? (This is important to know what you think is the
acceptable response, breaking up, or some other punishment)
If you chose to remain in a relationship, then the next
questions are for you.
4.
Will you be able to forgive the offense?
5.
Will you be able to trust again?
6.
How will you go about moving forward?
You’ve answered the
questions, now what?
I am going
to go ahead and answer these questions for myself and discuss the whys, and if
these make sense to you, and you can concur, then consider inserting this into
your own decisions.
1.
What do you consider cheating?
You’ve already read my definition,
but I think cheating is something that hurts your significant other, something
that you wouldn’t do to them, and something that is inappropriate with another
person (Sex, texting, dancing, kissing, excessive flirting, etc.).
2.
Should all of the above offenses result in the
same response? Or do some have more consequences than others?
Serious cheating offenses like sex and other emotional relationships
should have the same punishments, the grey areas are at my discretion, I would
be upset with some of the other things, but might not be so quick to end things.
3.
What are those responses? What would you do if
you were faced with these? (This is important to know what you think is the
acceptable response, breaking up, or some other punishment)
Cheating with sex or emotional relationships should result in the end of
the relationship, dancing and flirting would result in some anger, but not an
ending.
4.
Will you be able to forgive the offense?
I wouldn’t be able to forgive
someone who would so blatantly disrespect and hurt me as to have sex or some
other relationship with another person. Since I wouldn’t be able to forgive,
the relationship would suffer and eventually end.
5.
Will you be able to trust again?
I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t cheat again, and that alone would be
detrimental to our relationship.
6.
How will you go about moving forward?
I cut ties in a relationship and
forget about the person. I do my best not to generalize in new relationships
and I take it as a learning experience for the next guy.
So now you
see where I’m at… Knowing how you would react and feel about these things
happening to you can make a world of difference if they do. Having a set plan
and knowing yourself can make getting over this so much easier. I know how I
would react, which is why I wouldn’t continue to pursue a relationship after a
serious cheating offense. This is where so many people run into problems and
this is where I want to help you make some strong decisions in order to achieve
a healthy relationship.
Feelings of
anger, distrust, or hurt can ruin a relationship. If you decide to continue a
relationship after being cheated on, you need to set some ground rules. Explain
to your partner how you are feeling and that there are steps that need to be
put into place so you can move forward. Explain that you do not yet forgive and
you haven’t moved forward until you actually do. Discuss the event in detail if
you feel you need that for closure and be mindful of any future suspicious
activity. With all of that being said, it is clear that communication is very
important between the two of you. You need it to come to terms and to accept,
and your partner owes that to you as the cause of these feelings. Don’t lie to
them about your feelings and don’t make promises you can’t keep. Take your time
and allow yourself to feel anger or sadness. If you say you’ve forgiven when
you haven’t, you’re only causing problems. Don’t try to excuse their unfaithful
behavior or blame yourself, they did it, there aren’t excuses and it is NOT
your fault. If you get into the mistake of saying you’ve forgiven the behavior
when you haven’t, don’t bring it up because every time you do, they’ll be upset
that you’re harping on it. If you’ve realized you aren’t over it, try
journaling or talking to a close friend about it. Journaling can get your
feelings out into the open without ever having to let your partner read it and
can allow you maul over the emotions and feelings you have, and talking to a
friend can make you feel supported and help you make some decisions.
MOST
IMPORTANTLY, WHEN YOU SAY YOU’VE FORGIVEN, ACTUALLY FORGIVE. This is the only
way to make the relationship healthy and to bounce back from this. However, if
you find yourself in constant sadness and confusion over what your partner did,
it might be right to end things and move on to another person, even though it
is very difficult to do.
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